I’ve noticed this term circulating around the intersection between mental health and spirituality online and in social media. I thought it might be helpful to define terms and provide resources to those of you who feel this resonates and want to learn more.
The term “spiritual bypassing” was coined in the 1980s by John Welwood, a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, and practicing Buddhist. It means what it sounds like: bypassing or suppressing certain realities (e.g., emotions or dysfunctional situations) by using spiritual language or platitudes. It functions like a defense mechanism, in part because many people are unaware they are doing it. It often becomes so ingrained in how one responds to complexity or difficult feelings, that it feels automatic. On top of this, many times it is also reinforced by one's spiritual community because, of course, it's packaged so nicely in the language and perspectives of that person's spiritual practice.
How do I know if I'm doing it?
I think concrete examples illuminate what this is. Let's say someone is in a relationship with their spouse where there is a power imbalance, and they feel disrespected or mistreated, not physically, but emotionally. A person might spiritually bypass this situation by saying something like, "I need to love them and submit to them because they are my spouse,"(Spiritual value) or "Marriage is hard; valueable things are never easy." (Platitude)
A lot of the time when we spiritually bypass, it's not that the spiritual language or platitude isn't true. It's that it's being used to stop the exploration because it's painful and likely complex. It becomes a period instead of a comma, and the opportunity for change, transformation, or real healing is missed. So it's not always a "no." It's more of a "yes, and."
The ironic thing, and part of why spiritual bypassing is so painful, is that spiritual communities are often the very communities that champion their healing and loving qualities. But when spiritual bypassing happens over and over, it all begins to look like a show.
How do I know if someone else is doing it?
First, remember that most of us are unaware when we are doing it. That's how defense mechanisms work: we use them unconsciously. By bringing the unconscious into awareness, we can begin to make changes. That being said, if you suspect that a friend or family member regularly does this, it's likely not intentional but a learned behavior or coping mechanism.
A good measure to use is this: if you were to strip the spiritual or religious language out of their life, what would you see? Dysfunctional relationships? Unequal power dynamics? Patterns of lashing out or disproportionate reactions to events? Things that are suppressed find their way to the surface in some form or another.
Use your discernment. If they talk a good talk, does the fruit of their life (my Christianese is showing) actually support it? If not, it may be a lot of talk that, sadly, is reinforcing dysfunctional patterns they've had for a long time and that their family had before them.
In my own experience, I've often observed that the more rigid or high-control a spiritual community is, the more frequently spiritual bypassing happens. Why? Because we can't run away from difficult feelings, relationship struggles, or power dynamics. Dysfunction is part of our humanity, no matter how evolved or holy we feel. We must confront the messy things, in ourselves and with others. When a person feels the symptoms of something difficult and suppresses them with spiritual perspectives or platitudes, and that is then rewarded by their spiritual community, the pattern continues.
How do I stop doing it?
The first step is to start exactly where you are. This requires honesty as well as humility. Some of us who have practiced our spirituality for a long time may have a superiority complex (yes, this can exist even in someone who touts their own humility).
Begin with what hurts or what's distressing. If the natural impulse to bring up a spiritual truth comes, allow it, but don't let it be the end of the conversation. Remember, it's a "yes, and."
In spiritual communities, certain virtues or characteristics are often set above others, and some carry immense shame. You will need to allow yourself to feel this and, with support and at a pace that feels safe, to explore your "shadow self," if you will: the sadness, anger, resentment, or panic you've suppressed. This is where therapy can become extremely essential. Many times, these are such overwhelming feelings, it's difficult to face then alone.
The hopeful part is that when you finally see where you are doing this, and move into those deeper, darker places, you will actually mature spiritually. Instead of having to act out or imitate a spiritual caricature, you will become the unique, spiritually mature person you were meant to grow into.
Final thoughts
If you were hoping for a shortcut, I'm sorry to say you really can't sidestep this work. Bypassing is one of the contributors to the hurt and spiritual trauma so many people carry from religious and spiritual communities, and it's one of the big reasons many people get fed up and leave. If you've experienced painful things in your life, and those events weren't properly tended to by a community that taught peace, love, or healing, I'm so sorry. You aren't alone in your experience, and you can heal.
A great place to work through this is with a therapist, ideally one who is familiar with spiritual trauma and what it entails. A therapist doesn't have to share your faith, but they should respect it.
Whether or not you reach out for help, I hope you continue to practice your spirituality. Research suggests that personal spirituality, not just religious affiliation, may be protective against depression. If you want to read more on this, check out The Awakened Brain by Lisa Miller, PhD, a clinical psychologist who has done extensive research in this area. The science is hopeful: not all spirituality or religion is toxic, and not all religious or spiritual people are either.